Old People Problems

   Yesterday I sat at someone's desk to take a look at an issue they had been having with their laptop. I'm not that young anymore and my back is not what it used to be. When I stood up, I felt the most intense pain I've ever felt from my lower back, down the backs of my legs, all the way to the heels of my feet. It was staggering. I held my ground assuming it'd subside in a couple of seconds. 3 seconds into it, I realize this pain is not going to go away and ease back into the chair. It was then that I remembered I had been holding in a poop for a couple of hours...panic. "Did I just do the unthinkable? This isn't even my chair!" The back pain was gone almost right away and I was able to stand. I tight legged it all the way to the restroom to assess the damage. The coast was clear, I kept that butthole tight.

I explained all of this to my girlfriend today while trying to figure out what caused the pain and she responds with this: "Maybe you pinched a nerve? Idk. And then thought you pinched a loaf?"

We were definitely meant for eachother. 

The entire convo, for your entertainment:

Sarah 1:52 PM
A bath sounds good. From the sounds of things, we both have fucked up backs right now.
Cesar 1:54 PM
I don't know what that was about. It had never happened and to be honest, I was scared I pooped a little bit from the pain
I giggled and felt sad about that statement all at the same time
hahaha
Sarah 1:57 PM
Oh my god. Should I feel sad for you or should I laugh at you?
Not in your pants, right?
Poo stories are always funny, but back pain is no laughing matter.
Cesar 1:59 PM
The pain was so bad I thought I shit myself
Luckily, I did not
Went to the potty and checked
Sarah 2:00 PM
Oh. Awwwww
My poor love.
Cesar 2:00 PM
The thing is
My back doesn't hurt
Sarah 2:01 PM
What hurts?
Cesar 2:01 PM
So when I sat at that desk for 5 minutes, I stood up and was totally not expecting the pain
Sarah 2:01 PM
What did the guy do?
Cesar 2:02 PM
It was a chick
And she had left
Nobody saw me
Thank god
Sarah 2:02 PM
Maybe you pinched a nerve? Idk. And then thought you pinched a loaf?
Cesar 2:03 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Sarah 2:03 PM
I have water in my mouth that I can't swallow because I'm laughing
Cesar 2:03 PM
That's going on Facebook RIGHT NOW
Sarah 2:04 PM
Sorry.
Hahaha!!
I'm glad your sense of humor is fucked up like mine.
But I'm sorry you were hurt.

Sometimes the children you conceive are better off without you in their lives

It's a tough thing to accept, but picture this: You know that kid you had a couple decades ago that you abandoned? Yeah the one who has done great things with their life and made you so proud? Imagine how much worse they would have turned out if you stuck around. 
They say time heals all wounds but that is one of the biggest crocks of shit I've ever heard. There is no measure of time that can make up for a parent's failure to be there for their kids. What makes me angriest is hearing about the dad/mom who ditched their kids, then gets pissed when the kids don't allow him/her back into their lives as adults. There is no second chance. They don't inherit the obligation you ignored. Let them live their lives in peace. 
In my experience, the people who have turned out to be the best mommies and daddies are the kids whose parents, by example, showed them what kind of parents not to be. 
You have two choices, be the kind of person your kids can look up to, or remove yourself from the equation.

Cuttin' the cord

I've decided to make an effort to increase the productivity in my life. My days as of late have consisted of the constant checking for social media notifications. That habit has had a serious drag on my overall productivity and something must be done.


Step 1: Delete social media apps from my mobile devices, except Google+ because Android won't let me. It's the notifications on my phone that bring me back to Facebook. Google+ integration into the Android OS is what prevents its uninstallation so all I can do at this point is disable the notifications. Good enough.


Step 2: Cut back on constantly looking at my cell phone. My work requires that I'm up and about quite a bit, so leaving the phone at my desk should make this step much easier.


Step 3: BLOG MORE. There are more ways to share your experiences than posting a quote, image or link to Facebook. Blogging provides a more thought-out way of sharing what is on your mind. It's also usually plagued by far less grammatical inaccuracies than Status Updates have because bloggers actually understand the English language. Most do, anyway.


There will be many more steps and I'll update this post as this effort takes shape but this is all I've got so far. I've tried this before and failed but I didn't have a plan. Wish me luck!

Dirty Cave

...

Sarah: we are nerds

just so you know

me: WTF do you mean "we"???

I'm cool as shit

Sarah: Yeah, guess what. Shit is not cool. It's gross actually.

Bad comparison

me: Mine comes out frozen

That's normal, right?

That's why I keep a ice pick next to the toilet

Sarah: D:

like soft serve? or like ice cubes?

me: Frozen like icicles

But more like stalagtites

Brown stalagtites from my dirty cave

Sarah: PLEASE

please!!

I'm dying

me: I'm dying over HERE

Sarah: Manny JUST caught me

"what's so funny?"

me: Just yell out "POOOOP!!!"

Get Naked

For me, living alone also means being naked within five minutes of getting home if I'm not expecting company. S'all about comfort. If you ask what I'm doing and my response indicates I'm home alone, go ahead and assume that I'm also naked. 


My girlfriend asked what I was up to tonight and I told her I was doing homework...naked. She laughed and made the comment that I was forever naked. It dawned on me just then that I make it a point to start shedding the clothing almost as soon as I walk in the door. It usually starts with the shirt. I live in East County San Diego and it is hot as shit here in the summer time. Can't blame a brutha for gettin' down to the bare necessities. In this case, the only necessity is to have the door and blinds shut. We don't want to scare the neighbors now, do we? 


If you find these tendencies strange, do yourself a favor: Arrange a day alone, lock the doors, shut the blinds, and spend the day relaxing...in the nude. And feel free to let me know how your experience went in the comments below. Enjoy!

It's a good thing I don't have pets...

   

Today's Awkward Gym Shower Room Encounters

As I walk in to the shower room after my run to throw cold water on my face, the security guard who looks like my friend, Marcus...with glasses, is standing at the paper towel dispenser, drying off his hands. I say "What's up?" to which he responds "mmmmmmmmm." Um...ok?


Moving right along. After my shower I'm shaving at the sink, leaning in closely to the mirror and the maintenance guy looks over at me and laughs as if to say "Pshh you're not as hot as you think you are."


Just to clear things up, I'm exactly as hot as I think I am. That may sound bad but it's really not, if you think about it. These two need to get together and agree on their opinion of me. Hopefully it's not as awkward as the first or as judgmental as the second.

The Russian Roulette

My friend, Alex, had a bit of a close call last night. It inspired some funny dialog this morning. Here's a bit of it:


Sarah: What's your's and Vic's poo story?
I should write a blog
me: Mine involves a chicken wing plate at an Irish restaurant, the plate being named the Russian Roullette
All the wings are hot but one of them is incendiary
I was the lucky one to get this piece
Sarah: NO
me: It was so hot it almost ruined my night
The story was about what happened the next morning
I didn't know the girl at whose home I had slept for long enough to be blowin' up her toilet
Sarah: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
Buzzkill!!
me: But when I woke up, I knew there was trouble afoot
Sarah: OMG I would have dumped you
me: I gave her an awkward hug and bounced
Sarah: HAHAHHA
me: It was one of those lean in hugs, hoping she wouldn't squeeze me
Sarah: CRACKING UP
me: I bounced
I was praying to any God that would hear me to give me the strength to make it
Makin' deals with the devil and shit
You know how the pain comes in waves?
Sarah: I am whisper laughing so bad that I have to cough to cover it up!!
YES
me: Like one minute you think you're ok, the next minute you're ready to hang your culo out the window and paint the road
I didn't even make it a mile down the road before I had to stop at burger king
Sarah: HAHAHAHA
me: I made it to the restroom and was safely inside when I realized what it was that caused this problem in the first place
I don't know what it's like to take an open flame to the asshole but I'm assuming it compares to the day after eating that hot piece of chicken in a Russion Roulette
Sarah: HAHAHHAAHHAAHA
poo blog. for sure.
OMG I am so dead from laughing