Sarah's Failed Idioms

"Fool me once, shame on me or something like that."
"I went to get a Rockstar and the cafeteria is out. What kinda bullshit horse and pony show are they running???"

We all make mistakes...but yours are just terrible

Some of you motherfuckers can't spell for shit. But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'll go ahead and fess up to a few of my own grammatical shortcomings, however intentional they may be.

1: Excessive use of commas. I usually go back and correct them but I find myself using way too many in the first draft of every fucking thing I type.

2: I place punctuation marks(, or .) outside the quotes when the last word of a sentence is within quotation marks. I heard you're not supposed to do that, but I'm too lazy to research it myself and it just looks weird the other way around.

3: I often leave off the first word in a sentence. I do that shit on purpose.

There. Nobody's perfect, but I'll still judge you for your own grammatical catastrophes because your posts look like you had a stroke half way through typing them out. Get yo mind right.

Sometimes, dreams hurt

   With July slowly creeping up and my own 33rd birthday on the way, I've been thinking alot about Grampa, whose birthday was less than two weeks after my own. I think about him every day, still. I've been thinking about dedicating a tattoo to him, but I'm  having a hard time thinking of something that represents him and what he meant to me, what he means to me still. Either way, he wasn't really a tattoo kind of guy and it's not as though I need a reminder on my body about how important a man he was to me. I'm reminded every day, already. 

   Last night I had a dream I went to see him. It was as if he had moved away, and not died. He was with Ofelia, but  not in Texas, somewhere south of us. I told him how much I missed him and how much I needed him in my life. He tried to make me understand that he couldn't leave, that he belonged there. I gave him a hug and told him how important he was to me. Before I knew it I was leaving, and I never had a chance to say goodbye. That's kind of how it was when he passed. 

   I try, but I can't honestly say I live my life without regret. I regret not spending more time with my grandparents while they were alive. I regret coming home from whatever duty station I was at and spending more time with my friends than I did with my family. Most of those people aren't even my friends anymore. My grandparents will always be my grandparents. They raised me, made me who I am, and to them I will forever be grateful...

...and I miss them.

Hug your grandma's and grampa's tight. They need you as much as you need them.

Old People Problems

   Yesterday I sat at someone's desk to take a look at an issue they had been having with their laptop. I'm not that young anymore and my back is not what it used to be. When I stood up, I felt the most intense pain I've ever felt from my lower back, down the backs of my legs, all the way to the heels of my feet. It was staggering. I held my ground assuming it'd subside in a couple of seconds. 3 seconds into it, I realize this pain is not going to go away and ease back into the chair. It was then that I remembered I had been holding in a poop for a couple of hours...panic. "Did I just do the unthinkable? This isn't even my chair!" The back pain was gone almost right away and I was able to stand. I tight legged it all the way to the restroom to assess the damage. The coast was clear, I kept that butthole tight.

I explained all of this to my girlfriend today while trying to figure out what caused the pain and she responds with this: "Maybe you pinched a nerve? Idk. And then thought you pinched a loaf?"

We were definitely meant for eachother. 

The entire convo, for your entertainment:

Sarah 1:52 PM
A bath sounds good. From the sounds of things, we both have fucked up backs right now.
Cesar 1:54 PM
I don't know what that was about. It had never happened and to be honest, I was scared I pooped a little bit from the pain
I giggled and felt sad about that statement all at the same time
hahaha
Sarah 1:57 PM
Oh my god. Should I feel sad for you or should I laugh at you?
Not in your pants, right?
Poo stories are always funny, but back pain is no laughing matter.
Cesar 1:59 PM
The pain was so bad I thought I shit myself
Luckily, I did not
Went to the potty and checked
Sarah 2:00 PM
Oh. Awwwww
My poor love.
Cesar 2:00 PM
The thing is
My back doesn't hurt
Sarah 2:01 PM
What hurts?
Cesar 2:01 PM
So when I sat at that desk for 5 minutes, I stood up and was totally not expecting the pain
Sarah 2:01 PM
What did the guy do?
Cesar 2:02 PM
It was a chick
And she had left
Nobody saw me
Thank god
Sarah 2:02 PM
Maybe you pinched a nerve? Idk. And then thought you pinched a loaf?
Cesar 2:03 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Sarah 2:03 PM
I have water in my mouth that I can't swallow because I'm laughing
Cesar 2:03 PM
That's going on Facebook RIGHT NOW
Sarah 2:04 PM
Sorry.
Hahaha!!
I'm glad your sense of humor is fucked up like mine.
But I'm sorry you were hurt.

Sometimes the children you conceive are better off without you in their lives

It's a tough thing to accept, but picture this: You know that kid you had a couple decades ago that you abandoned? Yeah the one who has done great things with their life and made you so proud? Imagine how much worse they would have turned out if you stuck around. 
They say time heals all wounds but that is one of the biggest crocks of shit I've ever heard. There is no measure of time that can make up for a parent's failure to be there for their kids. What makes me angriest is hearing about the dad/mom who ditched their kids, then gets pissed when the kids don't allow him/her back into their lives as adults. There is no second chance. They don't inherit the obligation you ignored. Let them live their lives in peace. 
In my experience, the people who have turned out to be the best mommies and daddies are the kids whose parents, by example, showed them what kind of parents not to be. 
You have two choices, be the kind of person your kids can look up to, or remove yourself from the equation.

Cuttin' the cord

I've decided to make an effort to increase the productivity in my life. My days as of late have consisted of the constant checking for social media notifications. That habit has had a serious drag on my overall productivity and something must be done.


Step 1: Delete social media apps from my mobile devices, except Google+ because Android won't let me. It's the notifications on my phone that bring me back to Facebook. Google+ integration into the Android OS is what prevents its uninstallation so all I can do at this point is disable the notifications. Good enough.


Step 2: Cut back on constantly looking at my cell phone. My work requires that I'm up and about quite a bit, so leaving the phone at my desk should make this step much easier.


Step 3: BLOG MORE. There are more ways to share your experiences than posting a quote, image or link to Facebook. Blogging provides a more thought-out way of sharing what is on your mind. It's also usually plagued by far less grammatical inaccuracies than Status Updates have because bloggers actually understand the English language. Most do, anyway.


There will be many more steps and I'll update this post as this effort takes shape but this is all I've got so far. I've tried this before and failed but I didn't have a plan. Wish me luck!

Dirty Cave

...

Sarah: we are nerds

just so you know

me: WTF do you mean "we"???

I'm cool as shit

Sarah: Yeah, guess what. Shit is not cool. It's gross actually.

Bad comparison

me: Mine comes out frozen

That's normal, right?

That's why I keep a ice pick next to the toilet

Sarah: D:

like soft serve? or like ice cubes?

me: Frozen like icicles

But more like stalagtites

Brown stalagtites from my dirty cave

Sarah: PLEASE

please!!

I'm dying

me: I'm dying over HERE

Sarah: Manny JUST caught me

"what's so funny?"

me: Just yell out "POOOOP!!!"